


why do love.

by altkuma



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Light Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, chuuhyeseul her besties, ex? no!, hyunjin :(, im sorry hyunsoul stans, jesus christ hyunjin, not really dialogue heavy sorry, so many errors let me live, sorry soft babie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:01:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altkuma/pseuds/altkuma
Summary: Where Hyunjin feels love at some point.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	why do love.

Love is something that’s weird, as Hyunjin describes it. There would be times she would feel jealous when her siblings are around with their own significant others. And within each holiday, she always tries to escape the excessive amount of PDAs she would see with her bare eyes for no reason. Of course there would be the question of “Are you dating someone?” that always haunts her even when prepared to say “i’m not ready for a relationship.” or a simple “i prefer to finish my studies first.” just for her to hear some random compliment about her appearance to try (emphasis on try) to pursue her to get a boyfriend right after. talk about peer pressure in her place. 

She feels herself barf on the inside with associating her name and the word “boyfriend” together in one sentence. But then she just shows a small smile to let them know that she’s acknowledging that suggestion to not let them know that she prefers to be with a woman. Not now that she has the opportunity to live alone where her parents are not interrogating her with the things she does every single day.

On the other hand, there really are some attempts that she did to try and know from experience what love really is. But of course there had been multiple failed attempts. One example would be this someone she met.

Jung Jinsoul. Someone from a prestigious university Hyunjin has been hearing about with her classmates talking about as they prepared for the college exams. It doesn’t really hit her much since Hyunjin wanted to study somewhere else, not until they met despite her friends warning her that she’s “bad news” due to the title of her being a heartbreaker.

But the clown that she is (her words not mine), she lets the older woman be around and talk to her. Weeks then starts to pass by and Hyunjin is then greeted with a confession as she tries confronting Jinsoul with the flirtatious statements she would get. She says yes when Jinsoul asks her to be her girlfriend. 

**[Jinsoul]** Hyunjinnnnnn

**[Jinsoul]** Hyunjinnnnnnnnnn

**[Jinsoul]** Don’t ignore me :[

**[Jinsoul]** Heyyyyyy

**[Hyunjin]** whattt

**[Jinsoul]** Stop ignoring me I’m trying to love you here :[

**[Hyunjin]** why do you keep on saying that? o_o

**[Hyunjin]** do you like me or smth?

**[Jinsoul]** Well dingus, if it’s not that obvious already even if i chat you so often

**[Jinsoul]** I’m trying to be with you

**[Jinsoul]** The fuck are you being so dense for

**[Jinsoul]** So will you please date me?

**[Jinsoul]** If you really don’t want me to and just want me to stay away from you

**[Jinsoul]** I will.

**[Hyunjin]** look jinsoul

**[Hyunjin]** i had been thinking for awhile

**[Hyunjin]** you do know that my friends hate you

**[Hyunjin]** and im dumb when it comes to these kinds of things so are you really sure that you want to be with me?

**[Jinsoul]** If you give me a chance, yes.

**[Jinsoul]** I’m not good with love too, so i want to learn more with you

**[Jinsoul]** So will you really give me a chance?

**[Hyunjin]** jinsoul….

**[Hyunjin]** okay. let's try this out. 

**[Hyunjin]** so...what pet name do you prefer? 

**[Jinsoul]** Hyunjin...babe  🥺

**[Hyunjin]** yes babe?

**[Jinsoul]** babe 🥺🥺🥺

**[Jinsoul]** Why are you so cute to me right now 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

**[Hyunjin]** no u!

**[Jinsoul]** Shut up.

Suddenly her nights were filled with her and Jinsoul just doing anything together. From studying to then cooking and going on dates every other week when they're free, she could say that it's eventful.

Hyunjin of course prefered to just lay down to cuddle and talk about things with Jinsoul, from their worries to their faults and regrets in life despite her outgoing nature. This would be the first time Hyunjin feels like she's at home in years.

“Do you feel like we’ll be together even after a few years?” Hyunjin asks abruptly, the girl in her arms humming in reply.

“Would you think i’d still be with you and i know that we won’t be?” Jinsoul responds, then hearing Hyunjin say a ‘no’ under her breath while sighing.

“Now you have your answer.” And with that, Hyunjin lets Jinsoul wrap her arms around her a little tighter, letting each other indulge in their own comfortable silence.

They both had their own awkward nature but they still made it work. And as time passed, Hyunjin felt something towards Jinsoul that she has never really felt towards someone. No one really gave her the feeling of her heart beating so fast with just one look, or even just the butterflies in her stomach for a long time after each kiss, letter, or even 'i love you's that she gets. This is what Hyunjin at the moment, would describe love as a whole. She felt alright with this feeling even if it’s so foreign to her. 

But then sadly, good things don’t last for a long time as she wished for it to be.

There’s of course some arguments that lasted a little too long than she wanted, and a point where it felt like the person she learned to love has become cold and distant. Suddenly, it felt like Jinsoul became a fish in the sky, leaving her clueless with what to do till that one day she was scared of the most.

What became a very stressful day for Hyunjin became worse when Jinsoul asked for things to be over, through text. Hyunjin felt like a bolder squashed her heart and smashed it to pieces. There was the inkling that she had that she wanted to say no, but then instead said the opposite because it didn’t feel right that they would be together if the other said that she doesn’t feel the same anymore.

**[Jinsoul :] <3]** Hyunjin…

**[Jinsoul :] <3]** I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I can't be with you anymore, it doesn’t feel the same anymore now I have a lot of stuff in my head that might hurt you if I tell you about it. 

**[Jinsoul :] <3] ** I’m sorry. 

**[Hyunjin]** it’s fine.

**[Hyunjin]** you need more time to be alone and if it hurts you to be with me and you feel like you can’t do anything else like study then i might as well let you go. i promised you that at some point, didn’t i?

**[Jinsoul :] <3 ] ** Thank you, Hyunjin. Again, I’m sorry.

She of course, regrets this decision of completely breaking it off. Crying it all out seemed like a good idea so she did so, having herself wrapped around her blankets as she hid there and hermit for a while as she let her closest friends know at least.

**[Hyunjin]** guys 

**[Hyunjin]** me and Jinsoul broke it off. 

**[Jiwoo]** :(

**[Haseul]** are you okay there?

**[Jiwoo]** are you with someone there right now? 

**[Hyunjin]** no…why?

**[Haseul]** just stay put.

**[Jiwoo]** we’ll get there in an hour! move away from sharp things and stay warm there!

And within an hour, she hears a knock on the door, seeing her friends hold out things like a bag full of food and beer letting themselves in and hold onto her as she tells her story and rant it all out as they were spending time with each other.

“I didn't even try to fight it, but I still regret it so much” Hyunjin sniffs, her eyes still looking on the ground in shame.

“but do you feel like you did the right thing at least?” 

“I sort of do, haseul…”

“Then that’s fine in my opinion.” Haseul replies, taking a sip of her drink with Jiwoo then humming 

“Right! After all, you did let go for a good reason.” Jiwoo then pats Hyunjin’s back, the girl tearing up once again.

The trio sit and drink as they talk for the rest of the night, from the jobs Haseul and Jiwoo have to other things that concern them to not talk about someone they shouldn’t even talk about right now till they fall asleep.

Eventually, Haseul and Jiwoo leave Hyunjin on her own to think, but instead all Hyunjin does is lay down and study until she feels like crying. This goes on for a couple of weeks, until Graduation goes by and Hyunjin can fake a smile, her parents being proud of her as she got an acceptance letter from her dream university and Graduated with flying colors. It was hard for her but she managed to do it.

Summer is around the corner and Hyunjin can relax, letting herself stay in her own apartment as she is allowed to go home only when she wants to. She felt comforted for a while till she mistakenly saw Jinsoul’s post with another woman that seems to be her lover on her social media as she was trying to scroll down her feed. 

  
  


_ What. _

_ What the fuck. _

Hyunjin resorts to going to the gym and exercising for hours, the anger on her head fueling herself to lift weights and do her routines. She comes back to her apartment to then pass out on her bed, herself finally crying over what she saw as she was stopping it for hours. 

‘ _ here i am again i guess. fuck my life.’  _ Hyunjin thought the moment she stopped crying and changed to her sleepwear, not sure of the reason why she feels heavy because of the post she saw or the amount of pushups she did. Either way, all Hyunjin can do is just try to forget about it, process her moving on stage as she thought about her wellbeing.

“so she tricked you into breaking up so she could date her friend? that’s bullshit.” Hyejoo says, Hyunjin having a pensive look on her face as she lets hyejoo look at the photo she saw through her phone

“sorry Hyunjin, but i won’t be surprised if she cheated on you.” Those words stick to Hyunjin and sting her hard. It does hurt her to imagine the reason for their breakup in that way but she can’t help but overthink the possibility.

“i don’t know hyejoo...i feel confused and tricked.” Hyejoo sighs and closes Hyunjin’s phone, letting the girl get back her phone and rest on her hand as she gives Hyunjin a pat on the back.

“either way, i don’t think you should even try to interact with her, even message her. don’t do it.”

Hyunjin nods, despite wanting to message her ex so badly.

From the dozen of times that she would see herself attempting to message the older woman while being either drunk out of her mind or just plain sober, she decided to cut off all ties and unfollowed her socials, as it just felt right to finally do that after randomly watching some movies about letting go, or even listening to songs about it.

It took her months to feel like she wasn’t stuck in what once was her ‘best relationship’. From giving back the things Jinsoul gave her through mail (because she didn’t want anything that will remind her of the woman), Talking about it with her friends (a few disses from both sides), and just managing to breathe out and realize that no matter what happens, she can’t really go back to being sad over her.

Halloween passes by with her going out to Jiwoo’s house to watch scary movies instead of driving around with her ex girlfriend in costumes like she used to. Her birthday then comes around the corner and her friends seem happy as they drink and party the night away, with Hyunjin paying for everything. 

“sooooo! kim hyunjin.” Jiwoo asks, her words getting a bit blurry to hear as she’s already smashed, “have you feel like you moved on from your ex girlfriend already?” a lot of ‘oooooo’s is heard in the room, Hyunjin just laughing as she had her sip and nodding in response.

“yes. i have.” Cheers all over is heard from what Hyunjin says, which results her in laughing harder as she raised her glass with everyone and drink for the sake of the mini-celebration

“Here’s to moving on!”

“Here’s to being single!”

“Jiwoo you have a girlfriend!”

“Not anymore, I don't!”

“Holy shit.”

“Cheers!”

For the first time in a while, it felt like a fresh breeze of air once she realized that what once was her crying over her ex girlfriend is now a thing in the past. And instead, she can do what she wants. She tries to become more of what she wanted to be for Jinsoul. But for this time, it’s for the sake of self growth.

Hyunjin realized that maybe love was not yet the right thing for her to feel just yet. 

Maybe love is something to feel at some other time. 

**Author's Note:**

> writing after a long time of not doing so. 
> 
> thanks for reading my fic! i swear this doesn't have a continuation...or does it.


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